


Getting a Green Butler

by Path



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-14
Updated: 2011-03-14
Packaged: 2017-10-16 23:25:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Path/pseuds/Path
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody's getting a Dave butler, and Lord English is nothing if not on top of the trend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting a Green Butler

>Be Lord English.  
You are now LORD ENGLISH, richest gentleman this side of the Neversphere. Which is to say, the opposite side of the Neversphere from everyone else.

>Retrieve arms from Incipisphere.  
Your arms are already comfortably ensconced in the sleeves of your Cairo housecoat, and you don't plan on removing them any time soon.

>Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com.  
You pull up your Minnesota Fatstop and type in the address of your favourite website. It takes a while to load; wireless can get pretty slow out in the Neversphere.

==>  
EB: ok, good.  
EB: all i am saying is, why can't i have a dave butler too?  
GG: well, maybe you can.....  
GG: i will try to put in a good word for you B)

Looks like everybody is getting a Dave butler. You're a little jealous. You own everything in the Neversphere, but you certainly don't have a Dave butler. These kids are starting trends you didn't even know existed.  
You must have one.

>Skip to end of universe.  
You step ahead into a time when you're just about to be born. You'll go back and orchestrate getting a Dave butler so you will have had one all along in this world. Easy enough, really. Ah- there's the crackling ripple of the end of existence now.

==>

= = =

Dave sits on his green bed in his green room with a green cast to his face. He puts his head in his hands and closes his eyes to block it all out. He is so sick of green. He finds it really horribly ironic that when this colour gets to him too much, he also pukes green. He used to think this suit was pretty cool in a totally serious way, but now he's outgrown it and just thinks it's stupid (as is the case with most of his interests), and wearing it now just feels like a sort of extra punishment for nothing at all.

And now it's got a pair of hideous green gloves to go with it. And a green tray, and oh god he hates this colour so much. He holds up the tray and looks at himself, reflecting green skin, green hair, and brown muddy eyes, and thinks about chucking the thing across the room.

It only took one bad jump, one mistake to ruin all his carefully crafted timelines. Dave had gotten sort of used to Terezi helping him with the calculations. He didn't need her to, but half the work is half the work, and when he woke up to see Jack coming and no answer from Terezi, he just jumped as far ahead as he figured he could. He realized something was wrong pretty much instantly when his screens came up blank and the world just had... nothing. He was just rewinding a bit when there was a sort of rippling crack through the nothingness, and the vacuum was just immense, and his timetables were ripped away from him before he could coordinate a jump out. Then he was sort of ripped away, sucked through the crack in what should be the sky.

Then he woke up here, in his green room with his green gloves and a green feeling, chained in green with a sealed sylladex and a summons. He could feel it pulling at him. And it's not like there was anything else to do. So he followed the tugging sick feeling and met the big guy, though after the first time he was careful not to look at his face, thick ironic shades or no. He was violently and greenly sick the first time he met Lord English, and he thinks the god or demon or whatever's opinion of him lowered a bit for it, since he treats Dave with a sort of distant distaste occasionally still.

Dave can't even think about the meeting too clearly. The rippling and the twisting and the weird feel of the floor falling out beneath him like those paintings with the stairs, it still just gets to him and makes him crouch down and hug his knees, closing his green-light muddy brown eyes to drive off the nausea.

Now he just brings the guy tea and sometimes something to read. Sometimes the guy asks him rhetorical questions that he's learned to just nod through. He's not sure what the deal is really, but the guy just sort of treats him like Jeeves and Dave goes along with it. He's felt too sick and dizzy since he got here to argue.

He misses everything in the world that wasn't green. He even misses Jade a bit and she was green, but a sort of healthy green and not this sick radioactive emerald stuff.

He feels the pulling again, and pulls himself and his suit and his tray off to get tea.

= = =

>Check on the latest update.  
Hmm, looks like nobody has a Dave butler now. All the Daves in their universe are dead. Flying cars are the new rage. You can't be the last person with a Dave butler, it'd wreak havoc on your carefully-cultivated image. If anybody was here to see it. Still, got to hop on the new trends as they come, and drop them more quickly next time.

= = =

He steps up to Lord English's side, looking carefully away from the green sleeve with the racing rave stripes as it takes the cup and retreats again into the enormous arm chair. Dave's just leaving when the voice that shakes Dave's blood speaks, and he has to stop- not just to get his breath, but in half-conscious fear of what the demon thing will do if he doesn't just humour him.

The words seem to burn themselves into Dave's brain. **_David, what does a man need in life?_**

Other colours, he thinks immediately. And then, sound that doesn't break your mind to hear. Friends. He gets a sharp wash of entirely unironic homesickness. Egbert- John. Jade. Terezi, weird demands and freakish behaviour and all. Rose. Belatedly- Bro. Another wave of embarrassing homesickness, and a bit of shame that he didn't think of him earlier. Red. He just misses red.

And being Dave. He can't tell how long he's been here in this place with indestructible green walls and sickening light, but he's never felt less like himself. Staring at nothing but green has melted his brain. He'd like to be him again.

 ** _Hm,_** says English. **_I suppose we all need something._**

 

= = =

>Dismiss Dave butler.  
You skip to the end of the universe again and wait for everything to end. Dave has been a good butler to you (if not as proactive as you'd prefer) and you hope he'll serve his next master well. New trends beckon.

= = =

Dave falls out of the crack in the sky just in time to see his past self swept into it. He catches his timetables as they get pulled in, and sets them up quickly- things seem to be kind of going to hell here. Time to move back.

He jumps back, just using his second-to-last coordinates, and grins at the unlocked sylladex, flipping between a few shirts and just revelling in the colours. Then- oh shit, Jack. That was why he made the stupid jump in the first place. But he already feels more aware and solid than he did then, everything heightened by the rush of untainted air, of colour and comfort and blissful reds, and he does the math without even thinking, diving backwards just as the blade comes in for his neck.

Far back in the timeline, he changes into a red and white shirt and some jeans and tosses his green suit into the lava. Suits are pretty much the last thing he wants, and he knows for a fact he'll never wear green again.

He can sort of see Terezi's weird red thing now.

= = =

==>  
Now how are you supposed to get yourself a flying car?

**Author's Note:**

> I was the first person to write butlerDave fic, it was me


End file.
